AND DA HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!

ROBERT KLANE: AN APPRECIATION

2012-02-24T17:20:00.001-08:00

Sometime back in 1980, I think it was, I ran across a book called THE HORSE IS DEAD. I don’t exactly recall where it came from. As I was in the army in Kitzingen, Germany at the time, it may have been in our upstairs barracks “day” room. As I intended to keep it, I probably swapped it out for a Jake Logan “Adult” Western novel or somesuch.

I was instantly captivated by this book. I’d never read anything quite so funny before in my young life. The book’s cover wasn’t the one depicted above, though. The one you see here is a re-print that Mr. Klane autographed and sent to me some years after I’d initially read it. I’d written a letter to him in care of MGM studios where I’d learned he was maintaining an office. This was in 1985 because I remember the Cardinals were going to the World Series that year and Mr. Klane very specifically mentioned his admiration for centerfielder Willie McGee at that time.

Mr. Klane signed his novel WHERE’S POPPA? for me and added the surprise of throwing in the above copy of THE HORSE IS DEAD as well. I’d sent him the original edition of THE HORSE IS DEAD as well to sign and he was kind enough to sign all three.

The above is also NOT the original edition that I had; this is the English version of the novel. Guess the British are more hip about nudity on book covers at the time than America was. I do recall that in the mid-70s in Missouri a lot of Mickey Spillane’s book covers had nude or nearly nude gals on them (some of the covers featured Mickey’s then-wife, Sherry) and they were kept on shelves underneath drug store counters at the time. Probably next to the rubbers.

Anyway, what kind of humor can you expect from Robert Klane if you are lucky enough to find any of his books? The word “tasteless” comes up frequently. That may be so, but these books are damned funny and entertaining. If you’re offended easily, you WILL be offended. Of course if you’re NOT easily offended, you MIGHT STILL be offended. Have I said it succinctly enough?

So, Mr. Klane goes on to publish a second novel, WHERE’S POPPA? I have a hardcover edition of it as well, but the dust jacket art was not really remarkable. Here’s what the movie edition/Paperback Library cover looks like:

Now if you’ve seen the movie (considered a cult classic these days), then you’ll recognize that the character of Sid Hochheiser (the great Ron Leibman) should not, in fact, have underwear on in the book’s cover photograph. However – and this must go back to the fickle Americans’ sense of decency – they retouched the pic to add the shorts. Everytime Sid goes through the park to get to Momma’s apartment, he manages to either get mugged of ALL his clothes or lands in some other form of trouble.

WHERE’S POPPA? – both book and movie – is considered to be a “mean” comedy. I guess that that’s a pretty accurate description, but it’s BECAUSE it’s a mean comedy that people still remember it today. I have two VHS versions of this movie (never did see it on DVD), one having the book’s original ending, the other stopping just short of the novel’s climactic scene.

George Segal, Ruth Gordon and Ron Leibman are absolutely dead-on as their characters and this adds to the overall “charm” of the movie.

According to Allan (“Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh”) Sherman’s hysterical book on the sexual revolution, THE RAPE OF THE A*P*E* (American Puritan Ethic), the film WHERE’S POPPA? afforded actor Rob Reiner the honor of being the first person in an American movie to use the word “cocksucking” (as his character does in a courtroom scene). This is history, folks!

I have no idea if any of the Klane novels were published beyond America and England, but it would be interesting to see if there were and what the covers looked like. Here’s the UK cover for WHERE’S POPPA?:

Ok, we have two Robert Klane novels at this point and one of those two has been made into a movie. What was next?

Well, it was another novel and was called FIRE SALE. I never saw an edition of this book that DIDN’T feature cartoon images of the actors that would go on to star in the film. Here it is:

It’s the story of a New York Clothing Store owner (Vincent Gardenia) whose business – in his estimation – is failing and he’s leading his mentally ill, ex-Army brother (Sid Caesar) to burn the store down by telling him it’s actually a secret Nazi headquarters. Then the insurance will pay him off and he can happily retire. But is anything ever that simple?

See on the book cover that Sid Caesar’s leg is in a flower pot? He lost part of this leg in the war and has the idea that if he rests his stump in potting soil the missing part will grow back. I must admit, I laughed till I cried when I saw this scene in the movie. Alan Arkin stars and directs.

This is the last known Robert Klane novel. But that’s not the end of the Robert Klane story.

He has written a lot for television (M*A*S*H, for one) but is also perhaps best known for writing the film WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S and for writing/directing WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S II.

Ok, it may be hip for people to sneer at these films, but I’m going to step forward and defend them. So, to those of you who just willy-nilly hate and complain about these movies just to go along with the crowd, I say this directly to you: “Shut the fuck up!” You knew what you were getting into when you saw these movies. You knew it was about a dead guy that they’re keeping around to convince others he’s still alive. You knew it was going to be in, at best, questionable taste. Again, shut the fuck up. Why don’t you watch endless repeats of BRIDESHEAD REVISITED if you are so stuck up and artsy-fartsy and leave the rest of us alone?

I still snicker when I think of Andrew McCarthy pulling the rope attached to Terry Kiser’s wrist making it appear as if Bernie is waving at boaters. Also, there’s something conceptually funny about Bernie’s corpse doing a type of conga line dance while underwater in WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S II. I’m proud to say that I own WEEKEND 1 & 2 in my DVD collection. I also own THE TEN COMMANDMENTS and THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST as well, so maybe this balances everything out.

I guess it’s been about three or four years ago, but I found an agency that (at the time) was representing Mr. Klane. I was informed through this agency that he was, indeed, working on something then but they were not allowed to elaborate. They couldn’t even tell me if it was another book or perhaps a film or television project. I guess it wouldn’t have been important for me to know then and there WHAT he was working – it was just good to know that he was doing SOMETHING and that his name will once again be out there. Just as it should.

So thank you, Bob Klane (this is how he signed one of my books), for all the laughs and entertainment you’ve provided over the years. You were definitely one of my influences as I created this blog and the other “silly” blogs I started and still maintain. Hope I can do you proud here.

INDECENT DESIRES/MY BROTHER'S WIFE

2012-02-12T18:43:00.000-08:00

Doris Wishman once said in an interview, when asked about the movies she’d made, “I’m probably going to hell for this”. At that time I was most familiar with Doris through the films she’d done with Chesty Morgan (“Double Agent 73” and “Deadly Weapons”) and one other, with Sammy Petrillo (“Keyholes Are For Peeping”). I don’t know if Doris wound up in the fiery pit or not when she shuffled off this mortal coil some years back, but if so, perhaps at least SOME of her movies should have gone with her.

I confess that I have not seen INDECENT DESIRES or MY BROTHER’S WIFE yet because Doris had an annoying habit of not having the camera on the person who was doing the talking. A little of that went a long way. However, when I ran across this double feature I couldn’t pass it up. Mostly because it was 10 bucks - as opposed to the 25 bucks I’d seen it for before.

I suppose no one who claims to like drive-in films should dismiss the massive contributions of Doris Wishman to the genre; it’s certainly not my intention to do so here. The last thing one of Doris’s movies makes me, though, is horny. She failed to connect with me if her goal was to give everyone in the mail audience a throbbing boner. I suppose that for history’s sake, I will need to plow through these movies at some point.

The one Doris film I really AM curious about is LET ME DIE A WOMAN. I understand that this is her paean to GLEN OR GLENDA. Anyone seen LET ME DIE A WOMAN?

FISTS OF BRUCE LEE/IMAGE OF BRUCE LEE

2012-02-12T18:40:00.001-08:00

A better title for both these films would have been ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH BRUCE LEE. Would have been more honest. Probably more entertaining, too.

<Snore>

EXTRA WEIRD SAMPLER

2012-02-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

Two hours of trailers from the strangest movies you’ve probably NEVER heard of. This one’s a real treat from Something Weird Video. Enlarge picture to read the list of trailers on the back.

INSIDE THE FLYING SAUCERS

2012-01-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

Back in the day, my Mom had all these flying saucer hysteria books. I managed to come across a few that still existed in her collection as we were going through her personal effects after she passed on in 2006. I suppose you could say that this was part of my inheritance (along with all her Oprah tapes – which I promptly erased so that they didn’t annoy anyone else. You’re welcome.)

In the 1970s, she bought Erich Von Daniken’s CHARIOTS OF THE GODS? and the subsequent ones he wrote after that. It should be noted here that Von Daniken stopped after only a few books; he did not go on to write BOOGERS OF THE GODS, HEMORRHOID CREAMS OF THE GODS and one that would have been my personal pick, FAVORITE JELLO FLAVORS AND PANCAKES OF THE GODS.

Then there were the other UFO/Cosmic Star Connection books by J. Allen Hynek, Frank Edwards, Alan Landsburg and so on. Leonard Nimoy could have come to our house to do one of his “In Search of” shows there.

So, for a time, I was tripping over these types of books in the house. I suppose it’s no wonder that I would pick up on her fascination with all that. Apparently I’m the only other person in the household to show any interest in these books as I know Dad didn’t read them. Of the four kids in the house only two of us (my sister Deb and I) developed any interest whatsoever in reading books (of any kind) and I don’t know or recall if she was ever interested in the flying saucer books.

The irony here is that Mom never had INSIDE THE FLYING SAUCERS. I found it used somewhere and remember reading it after her death. As I can recall basically nothing about the book today, I can only conclude that I was abducted by aliens and that the knowledge I gained of UFOs was wiped from my memory completely. Or else I just plain forgot.

If it WAS an abduction, those gray, round-eyed little bastards didn’t even give me the courtesy of repairing my umbilical hernia during my physical exam. Ingrates! And after all that probing, too! Guess that would explain my vague recollections of these good ol’ boys enjoying a cigarette after concluding my cavity probes. Hope I didn’t have to squeal for them.

I hate to end this with a cliché, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to: “If you’ve read one UFO book, you’ve probably read them all.” INSIDE THE FLYING SAUCERS is just as good/valid/speculative/well-written as any other, I would venture to say.

EERIE: IN CLOSE PURSUIT

2012-01-01T09:53:00.000-08:00

CRYPT OF SHADOWS: LOCKED UP!

2012-01-01T09:46:00.000-08:00

BORIS KARLOFF TALES OF MYSTERY: THE AWAKENING BEAST

2012-01-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

HOWARD THE DUCK #19

2012-01-01T09:10:00.000-08:00

SHARON TATE: CHEESECAKE NUDES

2011-11-16T03:28:00.000-08:00

Here are some hard to find nudie shots of the exquisite Sharon Tate. Why anyone would do what was done to her is WAY beyond my comprehension.

TWISTED TALES: SASQUATCH

2011-11-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

THE TWILIGHT ZONE: GHOST SHIPS OF THE SKIES

2011-11-10T19:48:00.000-08:00

MONSTERS OF THE MOVIES: THE MYTHS OF FRANKENSTEIN

2011-11-10T19:42:00.000-08:00

PLANET OF VAMPIRES #2

2011-11-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

NEW BLOG ANNOUNCEMENT

2011-10-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

Very happy to report here that extended family member Christina Buckner has started her very own blog. My wife Karen and I absolutely adore Christina and have come to think of her (and her siblings) as our own flesh and blood. In fact this very blog is dedicated to both her and her brother, Mike.

Having known Christina almost from the day of her birth, it was a total surprise that in some ways she turned out to be very much like me. I’m not sure how this happened because there were huge gaps in time when I wasn’t around her, so I don’t see how my goofiness could have rubbed off on her. However, Karen and I could not possibly be more proud of her if she was our own daughter.

Christina and I share a love of bad movies and all other things absurd. I’m delighted to say that I was able to introduce her to films from my own collection which are universally acclaimed as “turkeys”. You know, films like THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN, ROBOT MONSTER, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS and THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN (the all-midget Western). It opened up a whole new world for her and for the past 1.5 years or so I’ve been exposing her to more and more films of this type. She’s been having a ball with them!

One of her many talents is her ability to identify the source of a problem and then pound it flat with her commentary until it seems much less like a problem anymore. This is a trait that a lot of politicians have, but Christina is much too ethical to run for political office, so the rest of us get to enjoy her wit sans the restraints of so-called political correctness.

Her inaugural blog entry is her take of last year’s re-make of the movie, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE. Christina shoots from the hip on this one, so be prepared to laugh. Access her blog here: CHRISTINA BUCKNER'S WORLD

RELUCTANT PORN STARS

2011-10-27T19:16:00.001-07:00

You hear stories on the news about this every once in a while. Some poor schmuck rents a video camera so that he can film himself and the wife as he’s giving her a beef injection. This, supposedly, is some kind of turn-on because one can look back and critique one’s own performance(s). I would venture to say that in laying it (pardon the expression) all down on tape affords one the opportunity to run the gamut of trying out all of one’s sexual fantasies as well.

However, something invariably goes wrong. Our little Alfred Hitchcock might not think to rescue the tape from the camera in time and returns it, along with the camera. To make matters worse, within days of that time someone else has gotten a hold of the tape and – viola! – it’s been posted on the internet!

One of these unintentional amateur porn stars, as I recall, was a Sheriff’s Deputy and his ladylove.

Now it could be that I have an innate sense of paranoia or maybe it’s just that I have seen too many movies about camera enthusiasts who are voyeurs and run a hotel/motel/apartment building with monitors all over the place. Whatever the case, Karen and I have NEVER filmed ourselves. Nor have we ever engaged in any of that “slap and tickle” behavior in a hotel room.

Well, ok, once, but it was in the summer of 1994.

So if there’s a sex tape out there of a couple who innocently poured Mr. Bubble into a Jacuzzi (they surely didn’t know that you are not supposed to do that) and if there’s a naked gal cuddled up to a naked guy in a cowboy hat who refers to himself as “Big Bob and his Baloney Pony”, that’s not us.

For the record,“Big Bob” doesn’t do autographs and neither does his “Baloney Pony”, so don’t ask.

I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. De Mille…..

RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT! #11

2011-10-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

BATMAN #300

2011-10-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

WHAT IF THE HULK WENT BERSERK?

2011-08-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA #6

2011-08-07T07:15:00.000-07:00

THE LIVING MUMMY #13

2011-08-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

GRIMM'S GHOST STORIES #10

2011-08-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

THE DESTROYER MAGAZINE #9

2011-07-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess that this is the proverbial "it", my friends. We've reached the last of the Destroyer Magazines with this posting. This one is taken directly from one of the novels, "Dr. Quake".

If you want to see all five Destroyer comics, head here: WACKO UNIVERSITY!

Thanks again to Warren Murphy for his blessing in letting me post all this and a special thanks to Chris Ivanovich for his scans of this magazine.

THE DESTROYER MAGAZINE #8

2011-07-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Chris Ivanovich for his scans of this magazine.

THE DESTROYER MAGAZINE #7

2011-07-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Chris Ivanovich for his scans of this magazine.

THE DESTROYER MAGAZINE #6

2011-07-29T06:38:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Chris Ivanovich for his scans of this magazine.

THE DESTROYER MAGAZINE #5

2011-07-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Chris Ivanovich for his scans of this magazine.

WAR STORY: SCREAMING EAGLES

2011-07-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

SPACE FAMILY ROBINSON #13

2011-07-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

THE BATMAN CHRONICLES #9

2011-07-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

THE HAUNT OF FEAR: NIGHTMARE!

2011-07-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

JONAH HEX: TWO-GUN MOJO #5 (END)

2011-07-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

JONAH HEX: TWO-GUN MOJO #4 (OF 5)

2011-07-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

JONAH HEX: TWO-GUN MOJO #3 (OF 5)

2011-07-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

JONAH HEX: TWO-GUN MOJO #2 (OF 5)

2011-07-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

JONAH HEX: TWO-GUN MOJO #1 (OF 5)

2011-07-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

Jonah Hex and the scripting of the unrivaled Joe R. Lansdale make a marriage made in weird Western Heaven. Here's the first of five issues of "Two-Gun Mojo".

SPOOKY TRICKS

2011-07-11T16:17:00.000-07:00

Another good memory from my childhood. Books and book order forms - somedays they were the only reason I went to school at all. The specific one I remember doing from this book was the mummy finger trick.

BIG G.I. COMBAT: GLORY DIVE!

2011-07-08T18:43:00.000-07:00

WAR ADVENTURES: FIRE AT WILL

2011-07-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

ARMY WAR HEROES: GHOST BATTALION

2011-07-08T18:30:00.001-07:00

BATTLE ACTION: OUR PLATOON IS TRAPPED!

2011-07-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

FIGHTIN' ARMY: REUNION ON HILL 119

2011-07-08T18:22:00.001-07:00

OUR ARMY AT WAR: TWO MEN -- ONE HILL

2011-07-08T18:17:00.001-07:00

WAR AND ATTACK: THE 3RD SQUAD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY

2011-07-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

BORIS KARLOFF TALES OF MYSTERY: THE MYSTIC CLAY

2011-07-08T17:57:00.000-07:00